BLACKADDER:
1. THE FORETELLING
2. BORN TO BE KING
3. THE ARCHBISHOPS
4. THE QUEEN OF SPAIN'S BEARD
5.
WITCHSMELLER'S PURSUIVANT
6. THE BLACK SEAL
BLACKADDER II:
--------------
1. BELLS
2. HEAD
3. POTATO
4. MONEY
5. BEER
6. CHAINS
BLACKADDER III:
---------------
1. DISH AND DISHHONESTY
2. INK AND INCAPABILITY
3. NOB AND NOBILITY
4. SENSE AND SENILITY
5.
DUAL AND DUALITY
6. AMY AND AMIABILITY
BLACKADDER GOES FORTH:
----------------------
1. CAPTAIN COOK
2. CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
3. MAJOR STAR
4. PRIVATE PLANE
5. GENERAL HOSPITAL
6.
GOODBYEEE
BLACKADDER SPECIALS:
--------------------
1. BLACKADDER BACK AND FORTH
2. CHRISTMAS CAROLS(featuring the good
"Ebenezzer Blackadder")
3. BALDRICK'S DIARY
QOUTES:
Blackadder: If we lose, I'll be chopped into
pieces. My arm'll end up in Essex, my torso in
Norfolk and my genitalia stuck up a tree
somewhere in Rutland.
Blackadder: Let all men who go to don
armour
tomorrow remember to go before they don armour
tomorrow.
Blackadder: Run away from the hills! If you see
hills, run the other way!
Blackadder: Morris dancing is the
most fatuous,
tenth-rate entertainment ever devised by man.
Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of
cloth they've just wiped their noses on. How
it's still going on in this day and age I'll
never know.
Blackadder: Don't be absurd. Such activities
are totally beyond my mother. My father only
got anywhere with her because he told her it
was a cure for diarrhoea.
Blackadder: As my tutor, old bubble face,
used
to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow
you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
Blackadder: My God! In twenty four hours I'll
be married to a walrus!
The Queen: Look at the two love birds!
Blackadder: One love
bird and one love
elephant.
Blackadder: I have erred and strayed like a
lost ox... I have coveted my father's
adultery... I have not always honoured my
neighbours ass.
Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and
deformity are commonplace and yet, Ploppy, you
are without a doubt the most repulsive
individual I have ever met. I would shake your
hand but I fear it would come off.
Blackadder: Let's try again. If I have two
beans and then I add two more beans, what does
that make?
Baldrick: Umm... a very small casserole?
Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the
Renaissance was just something that happened to
other people, wasn't it?
Blackadder: The eyes are open, the mouth moves,
but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't
he, Perce?
Blackadder's regalia is trimmed with real cat
fur. The cat in question used to be Emma
Hamilton's pussy.
Blackadder: If you want something done
properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
Blackadder: "Something is always wrong,
Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire
aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a
rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
George: Do you think he's a genius?
Blackadder: No sir, I do
not. Unless, of
course, the definition of genius in his
ridiculous dictionary is 'a fat dullard or
wobble-bottom; a pompous ass with sweaty
dewflaps.
Ambassador: I hate you English. With your
boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and
your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen
are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like
a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois.
Blackadder: (to Baldrick) You are last in God's
great chain. Unless there's an earwig around
here you'd like to victimise.
Blackadder (on actors): You mean they actually
rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, stuck
on silly hats and trusted to luck.
Baldrick: Well, Mr Blackadder always says, when
the going gets tough, the tough hide under the
table.
George: Oh no! What a mad blundering,
incredibly handsome young nincompoop I've been!
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal
insults hurt more than physical pain. They are,
of course, wrong, as you will soon discover
when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or
are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching
with ill-deserved confidence in the direction
of this conversation?
Blackadder: You see the ancient Greeks, your
Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible
container in which all the evils of the world
were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they
got wrong was the name. They called it
'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant
'Baldrick's Trousers'.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how
much I will miss your honest, friendly
companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you, Mr B.
Blackadder: But,
as we both know, it would be
an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself
to saying simply, 'Sod off and if I ever meet
you again, it will be twenty billion years too
soon.'
Blackadder: I'm as poor as a church mouse,
that's just had an enormous tax bill on the
very day his wife ran off with another mouse,
taking all the cheese.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea
what
irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy
only
it's made out of iron.
Blackadder: Ha ! I laugh at danger
and drop ice
cubes down the vest of fear.
Blackadder: The
girl is wetter than a haddock's
bathing costume.
George: I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder. I'm a
roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker! I
can't marry, I'm young, I'm firm buttocked...
Blackadder: Mrs M, if we were the last three
humans on earth, I would be trying to start a
family with Baldrick.
Blackadder: We're about as similar as two
completely dissimilar things in a pod.
Blackadder: A man may fight
for many things.
His country, his friends, his principles, the
glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.
But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother
for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack
of French porn.
George: I'm doomed! Doomed as the dodo!
Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this
way? Our valued friendship ending with me
cutting you up into strips and telling the
prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle
grid in an extremely heavy hat?
Blackadder: Oh, God. Fortune vomits on my
eiderdown once more.
Blackadder: He's mad! He's mad. He's
madder
than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's
Mr Madman competition.
Blackadder: 'I know
from long experience all my
men have the artistic talent of a cluster of
colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.'
George: 'I'm absolutely top-hole, sir, with an
ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.'
Blackadder (to Baldrick): 'If you were to serve
up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be
arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since
Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close
friends round for a wine and anthrax party.'
Blackadder: Your brain's
so minute, Baldrick,
that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head
open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small
water biscuit.
Blackadder: 'Morning George, morning Baldrick.
Still the striking resemblance to guppy fish at
feeding time.'
Blackadder: 'Everything goes over your head,
doesn't it, George? You should go to Jamaica
and become a limbo dancer.'
Blackadder: 'Personally I thought you were the
least convincing female impressionist since
Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her
lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority.'
Blackadder: 'We're in the stickiest situation
since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a
sticky bun.'
Blackadder: 'Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain
forests there are tribes of Indians as yet
untouched by civilisation who have developed
more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions
than yours.'
Flashheart: 'If word gets out that I'm missing,
500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn't
want them on my conscience - not when they
ought to be on my face!'
Red Baron: 'How lucky you English are to find
the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane
and functional item. For you it is the basis of
an entire culture.'
Blackadder: 'I've no desire to hang around with
a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty
minutes' work and then spend the rest of the
day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of
champagne and having dozens of moist, pink,
highly experienced French peasant girls
galloping up and down my - hang on...'
Melchett: 'If nothing else works, a total
pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the
face will see us through.'
Blackadder: George, who is using
the family
brain cell at the moment?
Blackadder to George: 'Somewhere outside
Saffron Walden there's an uncle who is seven
feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that
makes him look as if he's constantly trying to
swallow a ballcock.'
Melchett: 'If you come back with the
information, Captain Darling will pump you
thoroughly in the debriefing room.'
Blackadder: 'I lost closer friends than
"darling Georgie" the last time I was
deloused.'
Blackadder: 'Whatever it was, I'm sure it was
better than my plan to get out of this by
pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have
noticed another madman round here?'
Baldrick: 'Shall I do my war poem, sir?'
Blackadder: 'How hurt will you be if
I give the
honest answer, which is, No - I'd rather
French-kiss a skunk?'
For the past thirteen months, Baldrick's coffee
has in fact been made from mud. With dandruff
as a cunning sugar substitute. Just don't ask
what he's been using for the milk.
xxxx-----------------------------------THE
END--------------------------------xxxx
